In all of the years that I've been writing my annual post-Oscars post/e-mail, I'm finding this year's to be the toughest of all to get started. Why, you ask? Maybe because the show was so predictable and boring, that there just isn't that much to write about. Thank GOD that there were still some hideous dresses to mention, or this posting, much like Lindsay Lohan's career, would be an unmitigated disaster! As always, I'll wrap up the show first then move on to the fashion. Full disclosure, btw...I took today off, so I'm writing this while the dog battles for lap time AND Tyra tries to wrestle my attention away with a marathon of ANTM on Oxygen. The somewhat weak season that McKey won, with annoyingly french Marjorie who constantly reminded us that Europeans aren't confident like American girls, amazingly ghetto Sheena, Trannie Isis, and the girl from Alaska that made Sarah Palin look tolerant/tolerable as she explained why even being in the same room as Isis was freaking her out. Wow. The post's first digression in paragraph one. Wow. Anywho, here we go!
THE SHOW
Did you actually watch last night? It's absolutely fascinating to think that the number of people who watched the show was probably 20x that of those who actually saw the Best Picture Winner. Anywho, my opinion of the overall show mirrors what everyone says just about every year - too long, too many misfires, too few surprises....with the year-round Oscar prognosticating, the actual event seems like it's written the day the nominations come out. In fact, I just read an article in the NY Post about the early front runners for next year! CRAZY! I, of course, am hoping that Julianne Moore will FINALLY win for her work in an indie called "The Kids are Alright." CRAP. I'm now officially part of the problem.
But seriously...look at some of my past posts, and you'll notice that SOME of my "Day of Nominations" picks are right but some are way off. This year, and ONLY this year, I went 6 for 6. How boring. Believe it or not, I actually WANT to be wrong. For example, I wanted Gabourey Sidibe to come from out of nowhere to take the prize from Sandy AND Meryl last night. I mean, have you SEEN that girl on the Red Carpet? In person, she sounds more like Alicia Silverstone's Cher in "Clueless" than Precious. But I digress.
So back to the show. I thought that the idea to have Steve Martin and Alec Baldwin co-host was great, but the result was underwhelming. With the exception of their hilariously off-color opening (their race and Nazi jokes were indeed a surprise), the two barely appeared on stage for the rest of the show, much less on stage together. Add in the somewhat odd song & dance opening number by the usually spot-on Neil Patrick Harris, and the hosting gets the same B- that I struggled to obtain in freshman year Calculus with the world's worst math professor at Dickinson College.
As usual, the show didn't REALLY get started until the Best Supporting Actor Award was presented to unsurprising (get used to that word) Christoph Waltz for his role in "Inglourious Basterds." The award was deserving and the speech was surprisingly lucid (did you see him at the Globes? Language barrier or not, I STILL don't know what the hell he was talking about).
Several boring awards later, they finally got to Best Supporting Actress. Now, if you had told me 6 years ago that Mo'Nique was going to be the overwhelming favorite to win anything other than an eating contest, I would have laughed in your face. After seeing "Precious," however, there is NO doubt that she can not only act, but that she had THE performance of the year - combining all nominated performances, hers was the one that we will be talking about 10 years from now. Her speech was gracious, her legs were unshaven (seriously...the woman refuses to shave her legs, which I guess I'm supposed to say is brave but it still makes me tummy hurt a little to think about) and she showed a classy side that I think few would have expected from a bawdy stand-up comedian.
Between the two supporting and leading acting awards, a couple of (again, mostly predictable) awards were given out, mostly to "Avatar" and "The Hurt Locker." In effect, "Locker" picked up double what "Avatar" did, so we pretty much knew what was coming. Um...."Up" won for Best Animated, though I liked "Coraline" more. "Precious" won for Best Adapted Screenplay, which was a minor surprise, and the shocked winner forgot to thank the woman who actually wrote the book. Oops. Ooh - and there were two montages to complain about. I actually liked the John Hughes In Memorium, if only because it was an excuse for Molly Ringwald and Ally Sheedy to be on stage (ok - let's be honest..it was an attempt to have at least SOME part of the show speak to the Gen X crowd). The Horror montage was ridiculous...at least half of the supposed "horror" movies were thrillers and mysteries more than vintage horror films.
Somewhat controversial was the other In Memorium montage. Usually the emotional high point, however this year's committed sins to both the hetero- and homosexual communities, by leaving out Farrah Fawcett and Bea Arthur, respectively. Yes, both were primarily TV actresses, but they were in more movies than Michael Jackson and had more of an impact on pop culture than Brittany Murphy, so they each deserved to get 5 more seconds of recognition on the big show.
FINALLY, Best Actor Award. The presentations to the Best Actors AND Best Actresses started with what has become a favorite of mine these past two years - mini-speeches by friends and former co-stars of each of the nominees that give us a little behind-the-scenes insight into relationships between stars. I'll be the first to acknowledge that 99% of people I know HATE this part and find it utterly self-indulgent. I LOVE it. PLUS, it was an excuse to get to see Julianne Moore on the stage that she should OWN by now, even if her speech on behalf of Colin Firth was somewhat odd (and would have been GREAT if given by, say, Emma Thompson).
Anywho, Jeff Bridges unsuprisingly won for his very good performance in "Crazy Heart" - let's face it, this was the annual "career" award that we've all gotten used to. If you saw all the roles, you would agree that Colin Firth's performance was arguably the best of the year, but he doesn't come from Hollywood royalty, he didn't play The Dude in "The Big Lebowski" 12 years ago, and he didn't have 4 previous noms either, so he lost. So he gets up on stage to accept the award that we ALL knew he was going to win, and gave one of the worst, most incoherent speeches of the night. I, for one, was too distracted by the manner in which he continuously Hepurned (verb meaning "to shake profusely, without control or abandon) the award throughout his speech to notice whatever was spewing out of his mouth. Whatever - he made Mo'Nique and later Bullock look like Rhodes Scholars, so at least someone owes him for that.
Next up, one of two actual showdowns of the night. Would it be Sandra Bullock or Meryl Streep (or, please please please, Gabby Sidibe!). Sean Penn, looking like he sucked so many lemons back stage, came out to present, and made a comment that I just HAD to google as soon as I woke up this morning (interestingly, I typed in "what was" and THE FIRST thing that popped up was "What Was Sean Penn talking about last night?"). Anyway, he made a comment about how he and the Academy both forgot to give due to a certain woman in the past year, which bloggers are saying was an homage to him forgetting to thank (now ex-wife) Robin Wright when he won last year while commenting on her lack of recognition for this years "Private Lives of Pippa Lee," co-starring the incandescent Julianne Moore.
Back to the award. Much like my previous comment about Mo'Nique, if you had told me 16 years ago that Sandra Bullock would win an Oscar, besting Meryl freakin' Streep, I would NEVER have believed you. Alas, some brilliant PR person decided it was "her turn," and so she now won half as many Oscars as La Streep. I can't complain too much though. After accepting her Razzie for Worst Actress the previous night IN PERSON for the horrid "All About Steve," she opened with another self-deprecating comment just to prove to everyone why she is so adored. She then gave the most gracious comments about each of her fellow nominees (i.e., the losers) and ended by tearing up when talking about her mom. Basically, everything one wants in an Oscar acceptance speech. Damn you, Sandy. You just gave a better performance in 120 seconds than you have in 20 years!
The night's final two showdowns were between directors (and ex-spouses) Kathryn Bigelow and James Cameron and their respective films, "The Hurt Locker" and "Avatar." Unfortunately, as I wrote earlier, everything throughout the show pointed towards wins by Bigelow and her film, and win they did. Bigelow becomes the first woman to win Best Director, which is interesting considering that I bet not more than 1% of the population had even heard of her this time last year. Likewise, her film made history by becoming the least viewed film to ever take home Best Picture. I was lucky enough to see it back in August in the theatres (early buzz had it as a POSSIBLE nominee at the time, but only because of the decision to have ten nominees...no one thought it would actually win at that time). I thought it was good, but not Best Picture of the year. Oh well...what do I know? I know enough to know that it's time for the fun part....the DRESSES!
THE FASHION
Finally...the part of this posting that 76% of you skip down to without even reading the first half. Not offended in the least. Really..I love spending 5 hours on the first half of this just so none of you can read it. Just kidding!
This year was all about 30's glamour. Unfortunately for us, that meant few absolute hits and even fewer misses. No Bjork swan dresses (perhaps THE most famous Oscar dress of all time?), no Uma Thurman leiderhosen, no Cher in revealing Bob Mackie...but don't worry. I've gone through ALL of the pics to bring you the very best and worst.
First, the men. Yawn, as always. Taking a risk this year meant wearing a long, skinny, Jonas Brothers tie instead of a bow tie. Or, in the case of George Clooney, forgetting to get a haircut beforehand and showing up with a midgi mullet. Eew. Anywho, the only buzz for the boys seems to be about whether or not you loved or hated Tom Ford's self-made tux. I loved it, but others seem more lukewarm. Take a look for yourself:
Tom Ford, wearing Tom Ford, directed and written by Tom Ford
On to the women. Before we get to Worst and Best dressed, let's start with a couple of "in the middle" women - people who will neither on the Best OR Worst Dressed lists, but should be discussed anyway. I'm going to start with Mo'Nique. Her outfit seemed like not such a big deal, until I found out that, from head-to-toe, she picked a look that was an homage to Hattie McDaniel - the first African American to win an Oscar (whom she also mentioned in her speech). Now, it also turns out that Ms. 'Nique is angling to make a feature based on Ms. McDaniel, so the move may just be brilliantly calculated.
Also interesting was the dress that Demi Moore wore last night. First of all, she really needs to give the name of her plastic surgeon out to every other 40-something in Hollywood. Maybe s/he can undo the horrors formerly known as Nicole Kidman and Renee Zellweger (as if anyone could undo Zellweger!). Anyway, I really liked the structure of her dress but found the color to not have the oomph it should have for the Red Carpet/Kodak Theater stage. James thought it looked like it was made out of ace bandages, but I liked it nonetheless.
And the Merit Badge for Best Dress Made Out of First Aid Materials Goes to...
Lastly, let's take a look at Kathryn Bigelow's dress. Was it pretty? Sure. Was it a good color? Sure. But it really left me wanting for more. Now, some may think that it's unfair to grade the fashion of a behind-the-camera person, but I still felt like she could have ramped it up a wee bit. As it turns out, this dress should be reproduced en masse for mothers of the bride around the country.
Eew...I just heard someone refer to her as "K Biggs"
One more...real quick. Let's applaud Maggie Gyllenhaal for trying and mostly succeeding with a printed dress that fit her AND her personality. Prints, in general, don't usually go over so well at the Oscars but I thought this was a decent attempt by someone who usually looks very odd on the red carpet. Too bad the bottom 7% of her dress looks undone.
I STILL think you stole Julianne's nomination...
Ok...on to the Worst Dressed, aka, the reason that most of you are here. I like to pick three worst dressed...think of it as two supporting Worst Dressed flanking the night's biggest fashion loser.
The first flunkee this year has to be the oft-equine Sarah Jessica Parker. Um, I liked the color, but it was shapeless, her spray tan was Michael Kors-esque, and those knotted buns upon buns of faux hair bounding off the top of her mane were hid. Oh - and did I mention the tin foil detail in front and back? Looks like something that I saw on a heroin-influenced episode of "Intervention." Anyway, the best aspect of her look was that it served as a reminder that French Toast is best served with Challah bread. Holla!
Flanking our West Dressed on her other side is the normally gorgeous Diane Kruger. I'm glad that she took a risk - too bad it just didn't pan out. Her outfit was like a story told in three parts...one that starts classy, (the top), goes WAY off kilter (in the middle), and then ends gracelessly and painfully after dragging out the ending for too long (the bottom). I'd like to think it was at least a calculated risk to get someone talking about her this long after her breakout role in "Inglourious Basterds." Looks like THAT worked, at least!
Heads, shoulders, ruching and bows, ruching and bows
ALMOST time for Worst Dressed, but WAIT! WIthout warning, Charlize Theron and her rosetted boobs have burst onto the scene and simply MUST be mentioned! So you KNOW it's bad when your dress most resembles the famous Janet Jackson Rolling Stone cover from the early 90's. Poor Charlize...maybe she'll do something relevant in the next 4 years to make up for this one.
Even the make-up is bad, but (let's be honest) - who's looking at her face?
That leaves us with just one worst dressed. Hands down, this dress was THE disaster of the night for me. That's right, Zoe Saldana, your dress was def the worst! Like Kruger's dress, we have yet another fashion disaster being told in three parts; unlike Kruger's, NONE of them make any sense at all. Zoe is a VERY pretty lady, and may not actually have a career - that remains to be seen. At least if she keeps showing up in these types of outfits, people will still talk to her. At least the bottom serves to make the viewer reach for a bowl of Fruit Loops...
On to the Best Dressed ladies of the night, and I'm happy to say that there were plenty to choose from. Let's start with the Fourth Best Dressed, Ms. Queen Latifah. I continue to be amazed at how she shines on the Red Carpet, despite her usual low key, more LGPA-inspired look off the red carpet and her harder to dress body size. No stranger to my Best Dressed commentary, she really knocked it out of the softball park last night!
Next up, let's discuss Best Actress Winner Sandra Bullock. Like Latifah, Bullock tends to give off more of a tomboy vibe than high Hollywood glamour. Last night, however, she took a dress that would normally be worn by a Nicole Kidman or Gwyneth Paltrow, and totally aced it! Her outfit was actually perfectly completed with the Oscar she went on to win that night...good thing she was the front runner, because without that bald, 8.5 pounder in her arm it might have looked a bit much. Oh - and as much as I liked the dress, the 'ho red lips and limp hair did not do her justice.
Ok - so I'm going to go SLIGHTLY controversial for my Best Dressed Runner-up. I think it may just end up on some of the worst dressed lists, but the more I look at Vera Farmiga's red, coffee filter-inspired ruffled number, the more I like it. Personally, if edited just a LITTLE above the waist (maybe one less ruffle at the best line?), I think this would have been THE stunner of the night. Aside from one ruffle too many, her make-up might have failed her just slightly...I think of her as one of the more natural women in Hollywood - more of Kate Winslet who always look more gorgeous to me when her face is painted with a more natural look. Anyway, I think we're going to be seeing a lot more of this lady over the next several years...
Farrrrrmiga's rrrruffles have rrrridges
That leaves just one for the title of Best Dressed. And let's just say, this woman has really turned me around over the course of the 12 years I've been writing this, from many, many mentions to likening her to a lemur with a difficult-to-understand accent, to a deserving win last year in the Best Supporting Category, to her career highlight as my Best Dressed. That's right! NO ONE outshone, outdid, or outplayed Penelope Cruz last night. From the color, which likened to a perfectly aged Spanish Rioja, to the way it fit her like a glove, to her hair and make-up - just WOW is about all I can say. It's probably all she can say as well - STILL can't understand her when she's doing anything NOT in Spanish.
Ok - that's it. No empty promises to update this thing anytime until 2011 this time, though please do continue to e-mail me throughout the year if you have questions about anything film- or Oscar-related. So until next February, enjoy your year at the movies!
