SO....you know that scene in "A Christmas Story," where Ralphie gets the Secret Decoder Ring in the mail from Ovaltine, and FINALLY gets to find out what Little Oprhan Annie is trying to communicate to her most special fans? And then, after months of waiting, he finds out that the secret commuicae is "Be sure to drink your Ovaltine?" Well, THAT'S what I felt like after last night's show. Pretty much the worst ever. EVER.
As usual, we'll start with the show and then get on to the part that most of you actually come here for, the fashion.
The Show
The Show was AWFUL. I don't mean the winners of the awards, I mean the actual production of the show. Let's start with Billy Crystal. You know, I knew that we were in trouble with him based on the promos for the show that ABC had been airing...they were beyond not funny. So when his unfunny opening "insert Billy into every Oscar-nommed movie" montage was immediately followed by the utter failure of his annual "I'm going to sing stupid lines about every Oscar-nommed movie" song, I wasn't surprised. I just hope that he is NEVER hired again. Much like "Grey's Anatomy" and those disgusting, ridiculously wide-legged pants that dragged all over the ground that my dear friend Marissa Meyers used to wear, he is no longer relevent. I'd go with any of the following instead before hiring him back - the Christopher Guest actors (who were funny in their spoofy skit), Neil Patrick Harris (boy can host), any of the girls from "Bridesmaids" except Rose Byrne, Will Ferrell, the cold piece of leftover pizza I ate for lunch instead of the salad I should have eaten...you catch my drift, as long as it's not the always insufferable Ben Stiller. All in all, I'm sick of the Academy force-feeding me an Ovaltine-esque Billy Crystal and asking me to enjoy it.
Furthermore, the montages. Look - I usually like these things. Yeah, I get why everyone else hates them and finds them to be pointless time fillers. I usually don't see them that way - provided they either make sense or fit into the context of that year's nominated films OR are so ridiculous that it's comical. Unfortunately, and again like Annie's force-feeding of Ovaltine to her minions, we got multiple clips of actors talking about movies. Wow. How freaking imaginative. Lecturing us on why we should go to the theater instead of watching on our iPads, renting via On Demand, or however else we're getting our film fix without plopping down $14. Plus, they cut off one of the few winners we cared about last night, Octavia Spencer, to go to one of those inane clips? It was as bad as Adele getting cut off at the Brits (the British Grammy's) so that irrelevent Blur could play for 9 minutes. To you, Academy, I extend Adele's AND my middle finger for that.
As for the winners? Well, I was mostly happy. Octavia (for "The Help") and Christopher Plummer (for the EXCELLENT and underrated "Beginners") were non-surprise winners in the supporting categories. Jean Dujardin won Best Actor for "The Artist," and I think we can all safely say that we'll never see him again. I mean, if the best an American Best Actor like Adrein Brody can do are awkward shaving commercials for Gillette with awkward facial hair, what hope does a difficult-to-understand frenchie like Dujardin really have? At least he's like, a million times easier on the eyes, ears, and other senses than Roberto Benigni.
I'd say THE moment of the night had to be Meryl Streep's win for "Iron Lady." Now, I've been a huge critic of the movie, but I am happy that she has finally won her 3rd Oscar after almost 30 years (and 12 unsuccessful nomination). She was genuine in a way Taylor Swift never will be in her shock at having won - everyone thought Viola Davis would be taking it this time. But you know what? She IS the actor/actress of our generation and it would be ludicrous if she didn't win another Oscar at some point. And unlike her nominated performances in movies like "One True Thing" and "Music of the Heart," this role was deserving. So the movie sucked but she deserved a win after so many years as an Oscar Bridesmaid.
What else? Let's see..."The Artist" won Best Film and Director...not a huge surprise, though I thought Terrence Malick might sneak in for win. Comic bits? Well, WIll Ferrell and Zach Galifianakis were good. Emma Stone kind of killed it for me, hamming it up while presenting with evil Ben Stiller. And then there was "the pose" that Angelina Jolie pulled while presenting the Screenplays awards. She basically stuck everything but her right labia out when she took the stage, which was super weird, aggressive, and slutty all at the same time. Jim Rash, winner for Best Adapted Screenplay for "The Descendants" (and awesome in "Community") had the best moment of the night for me when he took the stage and quickly mimicked Jolie's pose right in front of her. Guess who WON'T be writing "Tomb Raider 7?"
Anything else? Not really. Well, there was Cirque de Soleil....so that happened. They weren't as bad as they probably should have been.
I tweeted for the first time throughout the ceremony (@JNunzio), so I'm sure that thrilled all 6 of my followers. We learned that Sascha Baron Cohen is a complete jerk when he dumped "Kim Jong Il's ashes" all over Ryan Seacrest on the red carpet pre-show...nothing else really. Oh, my girl Julianne Moore was nowhere to be found, so that sucked too. Basically, we can only go up from here show-wise.
To close, with "The Artist" and "Hugo" splitting the majority of the awards, and Woody Allen taking Best Original Screenplay for "Midnight in Paris," the night was a a tre Frech affair. I wish the mother from "Better Off Dead" was there to serve Frahnch Fries, Frehnch Bread, Frahnch Dressing, and to drink...Peru!) Speaking of frenchies, our little nugget is recovering from some emergency back surgery last Thursday, so thanks to everyone who has asked about her!
The Fashion
Maybe it's because I'm getting older (seriously...at least 45% of what's left on my head is grey!), but the fashion commentary seems to be getting more and more ridiculous. I just love when some of those idiots summarize what they saw on the carpet. It always goes something like this:
Some people wore color! Some didn't! Some wore metallics! Some looked great! Some didn't! JLo's nip may have slipped! Meryl Streep's didn't!
I suppose when you're trying to summarize what 100 people wore, you have to keep it basic, so maybe instead of a summary, I'll just get right to it. Look - there was a lot to like last night on the Red Carpet. I just wasn't all that bowled over by anything in particular (same goes for the "Worsts" this year - nothing Bjork or Lara Flynn Boyle-esque).
As usual, the men were boring and not worthy of my words...sure, some took slight risks, and Nick Nolte's general nonsensical-ness did add some flair, but unlike me post-1998, this portion is ALL about the ladies.
Before we get to Best and Worst, how about a quick chat about some who were in the middle? For example, I thought that Gwyneth's look was a hit AND miss. It comes down to the cape, which I just hated. Not sure why - maybe because it made her look like a lesser Star Wars figurine from my youth? - I just thought it read too old. Plus, once we saw the dress underneath, and the body that works out 23 hours a day contained within the dress, it was an evern bigger mystery to me why she would have gone that route. Very strange to me.
You know who else was a mixed bag for me? Emma Stone. Look - I love her. Enough to do my best to see the good in what may just wind up on a many a "Worst Dressed" list. I hated the bow, and wasn;t crazy about the color on her. But the dress fit her so damn well, flowed in just the right places, and the rest of her look was just flawless. So I'll cut her a break.
Lastly, let's get back to the aforementioned Angelina Jolie. Look - I actually like this dress...you cant deny that it looked amazing on her. Likewise, her leg is one of the best in the biz. I just found it so damn aggro that she would continue to shove her hamhock out at photogs over and over again. It's like, you get enough freaking attention Angelina - you're not exactly Viginia Madsen or Penelope Ann Miller on the depth chart, k? If the slit had been just a TAD less high, I might have been able to get behind this one a little more...k?
Best Dressed
Look - there was a lot to like last night on the Red Carpet. I just wasn't all that bowled over by anything in particular (same goes for the "Worsts" this year - nothing Bjork or Lara Flynn Boyle-esque).
Before I get started, I have to give an honorable mention to Robin Roberts, who I thought looked amazing. I can't technically have her as a Best Dressed, as she was there covering the event rather than appearing at it, but she just looked damn good. At the very least, she was the Best Dressed of the Press Corp.
So who looked good? Let's start with Octavia Spencer. I just thought this look was stunning on her. Unlike Melissa McCarthy's, whose dress will be picked apart in just a couple of paragraphs, Octavia chose the right color, fabric, ruching AND jewels. A worthy best dressed nominee AND Oscar winner.
You know who else looked amazing? Jessica Chastain - and she arguably took the biggest risk of the night with a black and gold, heavily printed number. It really was her year - she was in practially every movie this year so good for her!
And yet, I must once again go out on a limb and name an unconventional choice as my Best Dressed of the year. Why? Because I just cannot get over how amazing Milla Jovovich looked last night. At first, I was annoyed that she was even there at all. I mean, sure, her movies somehow earn loads of dough, but why should she get to be on stage? The I learned that she hosted the annual Nerd Awards (Technical Oscars), and understood that her presence was earned. Then I saw her walk out onto the stage, and it was over for me. Quite honestly, no one looked better. And, as we've seen from previous worst looks from model-actresses like Cam, Uma, and Charlize, these folks often miss more than they hit. So with that, I present 2012's Best Dressed.
Worst Dressed
You know, I told James I wouldn't do this, but I just can't resist. Maybe because she had NO business sitting in the front row (hell, I'd be mad if she was front row at a "Dancing with the Stars" taping!). Maybe because she's nothing more than arm candy for a man who gets smarmier by the second. OR, maybe - just maybe - it's because it looks like she bought this piece of junk at the 5-7-9 store at Buckland Hills Mall in Manchester, CT in 1989. Yup - pretty sure Lisa Turtle herself might have rocked this while dancing "The Sprain" with Screech. Either way, I just hated what Stacy Keibler wore last night.
As a consistently curvy gentleman, I am not one to normally come down on a ladykin just because of her size. In fact, I have consistently praised good choices by our less svelte ladies of the Oscar night. So when someone like Melissa McCarthy, who maybe needs to spend more time on picking a dress that accentuates her good parts than a stick-thin girl like Rooney Mara does, picks something that does just the opposite it's unforgivable. This number goes wrong right at the bust, where the volume of the fabric on her boobs sets her up to be much larger than she actually is. Like the "Charlie's Angel" reboot attempt, this crap was doomed from the start.
Luckily for McCarthy, someone hired a little-known TV actress named Shailene Woodley to start with Clooney in "The Descendants" and then DIDN'T get her nominated for Best Supporting Actress, or a high-end stylist would surely have helped prevent this disaster. I really don't even know what to say about this. Um....there's just not a single redeeming aspect of the dress or her look. Even her freaking hairline is janky. You may have served it while crying under water in your overrated movie, but keep up looks like these and you'll never get off of the ABC Family Network.
So that's it for me this year. Not much buzz yet for next year's awards, so let's focus on the upcoming release of "The Hunger Games." Let's just hope the director doesn't add Billy Crystal into the film for cheap laughs....